


The Beauty of Nothing

by YumikoFuchan



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Before Blanca's arrival, Between Episode 17 and 18, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon-Compliant, Character Study, Dry Humping, Established Relationship, First Time, First half is a date, Fluff, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Non-Explicit Sex, Only steamy at the end, Orgasm, Photo Exhibition, Rated M b/c I'm not taking any chances, They Love Each Other So Much I Can't, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28798611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumikoFuchan/pseuds/YumikoFuchan
Summary: “Let’s see… ‘ma’ is the emptiness between all things. When you clap,” Eiji says, clapping three times, “you hear sounds and you hear nothing. Those moments of nothing are ‘ma.’ They are pauses—very important pauses. Without them, the sound is not as full. And the silence is not as empty.”He rests his hand on top of Ash’s head. “Can you hear it, in my heartbeat?"
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 9
Kudos: 79





	The Beauty of Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I’m of the belief that a person’s ‘first time’ can be defined as ‘the first time you and your partner orgasm together.’ So, even though the boys don't go all out (i.e. shoving things up where the sun don’t shine), I’m going to tag accordingly! ^^
> 
> Also, Eiji is an angel *cough* little shit *cough* we adore him in this house.
> 
> The photo exhibition's concept is inspired by Arashi no Yoru Ni or One Stormy Night. It's a film about a wolf and a sheep and their intricate relationship. Even though they are predestined to be prey and predator... could they still be friends? Highly recommend it!

“We know something’s off.” Alex approaches Ash after finalising the details for an upcoming recon operation. “Don’t get me wrong, I know that we’re dealin’ with literal warfare. And that even with all the damn pressure, here you are! Kickin’ ass and gettin’ shit done, like the madman we know and love. Honestly, boss, you are a fuckin’ kingpin and I respect the _hell_ out of you.”

Ash sighs, crossing his arms. “Get to the point, Alex.” 

“Okay. It’s about Eiji.” Alex swears he’d heard a pin drop.

Jades narrow into slits. “What about him?”

Alex has, in a weird turn of events, dumped his hands heavily on Ash’s shoulders. “I swear I couldn’t be happier for you. But I’ve gotta be serious. As your second in command, I am beggin’ you, man. Take the day off, or I’m gonna die from anxiety.”

“You know I can’t afford to take a day, not when I’ve got so many lives restin’ on my hands.” Ash shrugs the brunet’s hands off and frowns, notably more irked. “And you still haven’t answered my question.” 

Alex scratches his neck anxiously. “Well—” 

Long story short, Kong and Bones caught Eiji crying at the beginning in the week. They said it hadn’t been anything dire, so per his request, they’d kept their mouths shut. He’d mentioned feeling homesick and, ever the boy with his heart on his sleeve, a little lovesick for Ash.

He’d miraculously come back from the dead, and even though Eiji never once doubted his return, the burns left by their abrupt separation had clearly caught up to him. Now, Eiji had to deal with the aftermath. The fear of being forced apart had resurged and the state of depression that helplessness can do to a person had been his most recent (and likely visible) symptoms. To be fair, Ash isn’t doing any better. And considering Alex’s reaction, and everyone’s general concern, they would agree. Ash isn’t even trying to hide it. The meet ups are less and less frequent. He is still dedicated to his role as leader, giving up tears, sweat, and blood for the sake of overcoming the demons of his past and present. 

But it’s becoming increasingly hard for Ash to walk out the door, knowing he has no choice but to leave half of his soul behind every time. He works up the courage to call Max and ask Ibe for advice. 

“So, Shunichi looked up what you asked for,” Max says, his voice somewhat glitchy from his weak phone signal. “Apparently, there’s a photo exhibition happening next week. For the record, I’m not totally convinced as to why it’s important.” 

“Don’t lose your head over it, old man. It’s got nothing to do with Dino or Banana Fish.”

“No? Then what—oh.” Ash could hear Max’s knowing smile from the other side. “Gotcha. That’s nice, kid. I’m sure Eiji will love it.” 

Ash pushed back his bangs in frustration. “You’d better not start any bets over there. And since when has my love life been any of your damn business?” Ash scoffs at the phone, then rubs the top of his nose. He exhales deeply. “You sure?”

“Positive. And if it doesn’t work, just blame it on his uncle.” 

Ash smirks. “Thanks, Pops.” 

“Have fun, kiddo.”

***

“A wolf and a sheep, an owl and a mouse, an eagle and a snake… it’s a collection of oxymorons. Check it out, there’s even an ox and a moron.” 

Eiji stares blankly at Ash. He looks like a child, curious yet chiefly lost.

“Okay, I made that one up. But you’ve gotta hand it to me—that was a good one.” 

More staring. Still nothing.

_Ah, language barriers._

“It’s a play on words. Oxymoron? Oxen and mo- never mind. Let’s go look at more pictures—” 

Eiji snorts. He bursts out laughing in a matter of seconds and Ash’s heart can’t help but stutter. “Could not hold it in... your face... has no price.” He leans against the younger one’s shoulder. “I am messing with you. It was good! I liked it very much.”

“Dick,” Ash mutters. “You’re lucky I like you.” 

“Yes, yes, very lucky. Now, come on! I want to see the limited collection!” Eiji yanks him by his overpriced coat’s sleeve and drags him deeper into the building. 

Ash tries fighting his blush into submission, begs for it to stop crawling up his face every time Eiji does anything and everything. _You’re a gang leader, damn it, not a dumb college boy with a crush. Get your shit together!_

He knows it’s meaningless by now; the Japanese boy’s smile overpowers him regardless.

Ash’s eyes keep falling back on Eiji’s hand, as he proceeds to tag him along. To live in a world where the Japanese boy could interlace their hands together wherever they go… _That would be the day_. 

Ash tries to enjoy himself anyway. It feels like being on a student excursion. He pictures himself as solely Christopher Winston, just a typical rich college student on a typical Saturday afternoon. The only reason he’s here is because he’s been partnered with a peer for a research project. A peer who just happens to make his heart race every time they sneeze, laugh, or gush over a literal house plant, praising the photographer’s exceptional use of composition—blurring the background (or was it the negative space?) to stress the foreground and the subtle reflections left by the natural lighting. 

Eiji takes the reins for the most part, peering over the visitor’s guide and going over the displays that catch his interest. Meanwhile, the younger one multitasks between listening to his partner's eager rambles and steering him away from major traffic—the very prospect of an international collision would be null under Ash’s watch. 

And then, he sees them. A snowshoe hare and a bloody lynx, laying on a blanket of snow.

The hare is the first to catch his eye. Its white fur looks soft to the touch. The little one is pure and tiny, a magnet for anything with a pulse. Its black button eyes are bottomless, adorned solely by a faint ring of specked lights. Although frail in many ways, the hare is unconditionally full of life—a short-lived beauty in a world of kill or be killed. 

The rest of the image is dominated by the lynx and the blood. Ash couldn’t tell them apart. 

The lynx is a mindless soul eater, a predator; _that_ was undisputable. There is a menacing glow to the lynx’s green irises, its vertical-slit pupils constricted. The creature’s gaze is focussed, refined—like the patient serpent’s deathly gaze before it strikes. Blood splatters have dyed the feline’s mouth, claws, and bits of its ears an ardent red. 

The lynx itself reminds him of a stuffed toy, a hollow shell with decades of use imprinted on its fur and the snow beneath the beast resembles white sheets, dirtied by a violent crime. Ash trembles visibly—the scene hits too close to home. For all Ash knows, the beast is saving the little one as a final meal, nearly sated by its most recent killing spree. 

“… you are not a leopard, Ash,” Eiji once said, as they watched the sun together, after their first serious fight. “You are a person.”

_Right,_ Ash thinks humourlessly, _and you’re no saint and I’m no killer._

The beast, a titan in comparison, is cradling the beauty to its chest. Is the lynx being possessive, marking its territory? Or is it being selfless, placing itself between its foes and its... friend? 

Ash’s thoughts overflow. The fact of the matter is, this inexplicable paradox has been framed. It is evidently in front of him. And this is why Ash leans towards the sciences more than the arts. He is always left with too many questions and barely any answers. But he can’t stop looking at the scene, because not a single drop of blood has tainted the hare’s white fur. By the lynx’s sheer force of will, the hare has been left untouched. Everything about it is a middle finger against the natural laws of the world, against reason. He almost wishes he could shake the artist’s hand; commend them on their vision. 

Ash nudges his glasses upwards. He leans closer, and squints at the cursive print found at the base of the photograph.

“Secret friends,” Eiji reads aloud, halting Ash’s rampant train of thought. “That is beautiful.”

Ash nods subtly. His knuckles brush over Eiji’s hand and he prompts, “So… you’re the expert here. What are your thoughts?” The American braces himself for a technical analysis, excited to hear his angel rant about what something he holds so close to his heart. 

“… he looks scared,” Eiji observes. 

Ash is totally unprepared for the soulful onslaught that follows.

“The lynx may appear dangerous on the outside, but if you look closely, he is actually really scared.” He points at the magnificent creature’s paws. “See how he keeps his claws pointed away from the hare? He wants to protect his friend. I doubt the hare is even cold.” Eiji beams, seemingly proud of some far-off animal he’s unlikely to ever meet. “I think the lynx is very kind.”

Ash looks to the ground. Eiji’s eyes are bright—too bright. It leaves him elated, infatuated; he is a stranger in his own skin.

“If the lynx’s so scared and kind, then why risk it?” Ash counters. “One bite and it’d lose—” _Everything._ The hare’s fur literally blends with the snow, camouflaging the frailer one’s wounds. And with all that blood, how would the lynx ever know when it’s the _hare_ that’s bleeding to death?

Ash peers at the older boy from the corner of his eye. What if Eiji is suffering in silence, only too stubborn, too kind and loyal to walk away? What if, like the hare, he gets too close to the broken beast and then, as predestined by fate, he has no choice but to be devoured and die? And even if it does manage to shield the hare from the world, how the hell does the lynx hope to protect its most precious one from the worst—from itself? 

_Selfish. I’m so fucking selfish._

Eiji cocks his head to the side, brows vaguely furrowed. “If the lynx doesn’t feed, he will starve and die. The hare would never allow that. I think they would rather die than watch their friend suffer.” 

_Innocence. Corruption. Survival. Death. There is no such thing as simple and clean in this ‘dog-eat-dog’ world. Anything close doesn’t belong. It shouldn’t. It mustn’t._

“The hare will not survive long, anyway,” Eiji continues, “There are other animals out there and I am sure they won’t hesitate. They will do what they can to survive. This way, the hare gets to choose how they die—saving someone they love.” The look in his eyes is indescribable; it fills younger one’s body with ice and fire. “It’s a sad ending, but... also romantic.” 

“That’s one morbid way of lookin’ at love.” 

Eiji shrugs. “Most love stories are. Or at least the popular ones.” 

“And what about the lynx?” Ash muses aloud, eyes still locked on the beast. 

The Japanese boy turns his chest towards Ash, giving him his full attention.

“Let’s assume he does eat the hare, fulfils his role in the food chain or whatever. What comes next? The fucker killed his friend. He killed him in cold blood. How’s he supposed to live with that?” Ash curls his hands into fists. “He’d carry that guilt to an early grave, I know it.”

A long interval of silence follows; the kind that feels like hours have gone by in the span of a few minutes. Eiji is the first to break it. “If I was the hare,” he starts. Jade-green eyes snap to his dark ones. “I would tell the lynx to live for the both of us. To roll down mountains of snow and run as far away as he wants to. I would tell him to move on and be free.”

Ash’s body tenses from head to toe. _That wouldn’t be freedom._

“Does that make sense?” Eiji asks tentatively. 

His knuckles turn white and his palms begin to sting. _Not one damned bit. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be in a world without you in it. I need to know you’re still breathing, even when we’re apart. That’s as close to freedom as someone like me can ever hope to get._ His mind is defiant, standing its ground. _You can’t give your life away so needlessly. You can’t._

“It’s okay if it doesn’t.” Eiji offers with a smile. His voice is as warm as candlelight. God, that boy could melt the coldest of winters. 

The American takes a deep breath, suppressing the rising wave of emotions in his chest. He shoves his hands into his pockets. “You couldn’t pass for a hare. Maybe a rabbit,” he says, and pokes Eiji’s cheek. 

It earns him a childlike pout and a kick to his shin for good measure. He’s caught completely off guard. “Ouch! What the hell was that for?” 

“You see? Strong legs.”

Ash shakes his head, rubbing the tender skin. He mutters under his breath, already dreading the uncontrollable blush that tends to appear whenever Eiji is around. He’s basically lost count of the number of times his friend has nagged and checked him for signs of fever.

“Sorry, I could not hear,” Eiji says. 

“Rabbits are cuter,” Ash mumbles, fixing his glasses. “I was calling you cute, Eiji.”

“Oh.” He stares blankly at him, mouth hanging slightly open. The sudden tint on Eiji’s face makes the throbbing pain a little worth it. “Um, thank you. I-I would kiss you, but—” He gestures around their general direction, “Probably not a good idea.” 

_Please don’t take him away,_ Ash's mind begs. _Let me have this, just for a while longer._

“Yeah. We can’t afford to make you a bigger target than you already are.”

Eiji appears surprisingly flustered. “No, it would be rude.” 

“Pfft, it’s not rude. People make out in the open all the time.” 

“So?” Eiji puffs his cheeks. After a moment of pause, he narrows his eyes and crosses his arms. “That doesn’t make it okay. It is disrespectful, to the people around you a-and to your partner. Affection in a relationship is something special. Private!”

Ash raises an eyebrow, baffled by his outburst. “That’s America for you, man. Nobody cares what you think or what everybody else thinks of you. Some folk like to be Christian, others like a danger wank in the middle of Town Square. Can’t say I’m totally against. So long as no one’s getting hurt, people should do whatever the hell they want. Honestly, if you felt like it, I could show you a pretty good time—” 

Eiji shoots him a piercing, deadpan expression. 

Ash gulps, suddenly stone cold sober. _God, Eiji, just hold me at gunpoint already. At least I’d be able to statistically solve for a way out._

After some excruciating seconds, Eiji stomps on the spot like an aggravated rabbit and turns on his heel. He powerwalks his way down the exhibition hall and the blond boy’s confusion skyrockets. _Maybe it’s a cultural thing._ _Is PDA condemned in Japan, or something? I’ll have to look it up._

Ash rushes behind him, desperate to keep a target on that fluffy head of his. “Hey, hold on a minute—oh shit!” Ash nearly knocks into someone and yelps. “Sorry, coming through—” By the third apology, the lynx snaps. “ _Jesus_ , why am I always surrounded by old people, get a move on!” Ash opts to give them the finger as the crowd bitches and moans. “Baby, wait up!” 

“Do not ‘ _baby_ ’ me,” Eiji chides sharply. “We are having natto for tonight. And no more pouting out of you! We both know you need the nutrients.”

Ash rolls his eyes as soon as he seizes Eiji’s hand for a split second. He then pokes his tongue out, like the dumb college boy with a crush that he is. “Yes, dear.” 

***

They go home after Alex gives them green light. Ash stays alert the entire time. He unlocks the door, as Eiji waves at Mrs. Coleman. 

_Leftover pumpkin pie._ Ash grimaces and Eiji jabs him with his elbow, signaling him to greet her. 

Ash grumbles, “I’m not thanking the old hag for that abomination.”

“You will if you don’t want it for dinner," Eiji whispers sharply.

He smiles instantly, lying through his teeth. “Thank you, Mrs. Coleman.”

Mrs. Coleman laughs warmly. “Well! My grandson could certainly learn from you gentlemen. Such polite young men. Have a lovely night, you two.” 

“You as well, Mrs. Coleman!” Eiji bids her goodbye, then turns to Ash. “See? That wasn’t so hard. And I thought I was the grumpy one.”

Ash huffs, pushing the door open. “At least I _have_ taste buds left, unlike _some_ people.”

“Very picky taste buds. So much pizza will make you sick,” he remarks and follows him inside.

_And natto won’t?_ The lynx unbuttons his coat and removes his shoes. He pauses. “... _Could_ we order pizza?” Ash enquires tentatively, like a child asking for an extra chocolate chip cookie.

The rabbit is at the verge of denying him, scrunching his nose. Then, he sighs. “Of course,” Eiji says fondly. “But only because you’re paying.”

He grins, bobbing his head. “Sweet.”

“Ash?” Eiji prompts, folding his scarf and depositing it next to his green jacket. “Thank you. I loved the exhibition, it was wonderful.” He fiddles with the seam of his sweater. He seems nervous. “I know I can be a burden, so I have to say it. I am grateful for your company.”

Ash frowns in a split second. “You’re not a burden.” The blond is not happy with Eiji’s sentiment; it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. _You’re literally the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me._ He wants to press him for answers, but the Japanese boy is already midway to the kitchen. The sounds of cabinets opening and glass clinking against the marble countertops ripple from the heart of the apartment and naturally carry Ash to the source. 

The gang leader settles on a leather stool. It is uncomfortable to sit on, tends to leave his arse aching for hours if he lingers for too long, but watching Eiji as he boils the kettle and sets aside fresh tea leaves is beyond worth it. He knows he shouldn’t get used to this domesticity. He can’t fully immerse in his work; the humming is too distracting. News articles and the gang’s updates blur into each other to the point of being garbled nonsense. Ash’s current attire doesn’t help either. With a teal turtleneck and beige slacks still on, the illusion of an ordinary life compels Ash to play a role he can’t help but love. Eiji’s fingers touch his as he hands him a hot cup of tea—every brush of their fingers fuels the fear of never touching him again. 

Frankly, it used to be so easy to stand in the line of fire. To stare at the barrel of the gun, to look at Death itself without batting an eye. Ash often told himself that he didn’t want to die. For some reason, wishing to survive and being unafraid of Death were not mutually exclusive. 

Eiji proved him wrong. Like a relentless force of nature, the Japanese boy came along and showed him the beauty of living. Still, there is danger in desiring to live after years of detachment. After all, what would happen after the war was over? There are soldiers who manage to leave the battlefield, but never the war. The scars remain in their hearts—tainting the very depths of their souls. When soldiers come home, do they not fear tainting their loved ones too? If Ash were to lose himself in Eiji’s love, to succumb to weakness, how could he ever hope to be strong enough to protect him? 

“And look at that. I just restocked yesterday. Avocado and shrimp salad tomorrow?”

Ash’s pale fingers trace a line along Eiji’s cheek in response.

His Eiji’s face is radiant; it’s as if the sun has descended and decided to pay him a visit—to honour him with its presence. Ash leans in, staring into those dark, bottomless eyes until the last possible second. 

He feels Eiji sigh in relief as they kiss, feels the smile against his. He can almost taste the joy off Eiji’s lips.

Eiji giggles when they break apart. “Your glasses fogged up a little.”

Ash removes them and carefully places them on Eiji. He honks his nose, smirking. “Cute.”

“Okay that’s enough out of you.”

“You sure?”

Eiji blinks at that. Then, he removes the glasses and sets them on the countertop. He scratches his cheek. The blossoming blush on his face is utterly captivating. “Well... maybe one more. Only if you want to.”

“Wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t, but thanks anyway.” Their lips brush again.

If Ash were to name his sanctuary, it would be Eiji Okumura. The Garden of Eden, God’s celestial paradise, simply pales in comparison. No one can make Aslan’s fractured soul feel as loved and treasured. Ash eyes Eiji’s neck, and then presses a wordless ‘thank you’ onto his beloved’s sensitive skin. Then another, and another. 

Ash knows that choice is a privilege. He knows that filling this small corner of the world with this boundless feeling—alongside the boy he loves—is asking too much. And yet...

He nuzzles his forehead against Eiji’s, panting softly. “Did I ever tell you how amazing you are?”

Eiji blinks twice, then lets out the kind of broken English he’d spoken when they’d first met. “Eh? Sorry, I not understand. Could you say again?” His taunting gaze juxtaposed with his red cheeks leaves Ash astounded. 

Ash laughs and locks lips with Eiji enthusiastically. He holds him by the waist and shortens their distance. It is by pure instinct that Eiji wraps his arms around Ash’s neck, painting their vision with hues of pastel pink.

“Ash.” Eiji’s shaky breaths tickle against the blond boy’s left ear—his earlobe is still tender from being punctured. The chaste kiss to such a trivial injury causes Ash’s cheeks to redden. It should have been embarrassing, to feel his skin heat up at this innocent gesture. Nonetheless, the sound of Eiji’s voice as he pronounced that battered, shattered name of his is as soothing as a songbird’s lullaby. Ash shouldn’t be surprised, Eiji has an innate ability to show him the true meaning of trust. The older boy has done so, since their eyes had interlocked for the first time. 

Eiji begins to press a line of warm, butterfly kisses—starting at his temple, shifting to his cheekbone, and pausing at the corner of his mouth. Ash traces the length of Eiji’s spine, from the space between his shoulder blades down to the small of his back, provoking a shudder out of the angel. 

“Like I said, you’re amazing.” Ash looks at Eiji in the eye, brushing a finger over his lips.

“Thank you. You are not too bad yourself.”

“ _Aho,_ ” Ash grumbles, despite the adoration in his gaze.

“Asshole,” Eiji retorts back.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that, flyboy.” This time, Ash goes bold and smashes their lips together. He slides his tongue in, right past Eiji’s teeth, and steals a lovely moan from the boy. Heat swells between his legs, as Eiji gives him more access without question. He tries not to think too much of it because, God, his angel was addictive—Ash couldn’t get enough of his sweetness. The Japanese boy’s fingertips tease at his hairline. Eiji giggles, making gentle circles around the nape of his neck, and stroking back his golden locks of hair with the outmost care. Every motion propels the lynx to kiss Eiji deeper. 

_Filthier._

Ash is mentally preparing himself for things to get violent, waiting for reality to punch him until he bleeds on the carpet. He waits for kisses to turn into bites and bites to sink into flesh. For his body to be slammed against the wall, and aggressively pinned down, razor-sharp ropes tying him to the bed.

But Eiji naturally continues to surprise him. Eiji’s love language is made up of caresses and the eventual playful tickle. Eiji is softness and reassurance incarnate. Their distance continues to dissipate as they make their way to the bedroom.

The lynx feels safe, even as he lays back on his bed, his most private space, and beckons Eiji to follow. The rabbit immediately thanks him, peppering his scarred hands with featherlight kisses. Ash knows he can walk away at any moment, despite being in the same position as always. Always beneath the body of another. He knows he’s fine, because his Eiji is curious like a bird; the tiniest flicker will prod him to move aside and let the beast be. 

Honestly, in this interval of time and space, Ash doesn’t want a reason to stop. He wants to see how far they can go, test how long before even the kindest touch makes his skin crawl. After all, if anyone could even attempt to convince him that sex is genuinely fun, it would be Eiji. 

“Ash, you still with me?” Eiji thumbs his cheek, doe-eyes full of concern.

_Shit._ “Sorry, guess I got lost in the moment.”

Eiji pecks his cheek and says, “That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Nope, I wanna hold you instead.” Ash makes a point to tease the skin under the boy’s sweater.

He raises an eyebrow at that. “ _Mou_ , so demanding. Americans are very rude.”

“And the Japanese too slow, get over here!” 

Eiji complies, curling his arms around Ash’s neck, laughing into his ear. The scent of vanilla and fresh soap is grounding—guides him into getting his breathing more under control. 

It also encourages his hands to get more risqué. “Damn, grandpa, what a cute butt you have.”

“Oh, shut up.” Eiji, the audacity of the man, blows a raspberry against his neck. 

“Jesus Christ!” Ash is downright hysterical, stomach hurting from laughing so much. “What the hell was that?”

“I am shutting you up, butthead!” Eiji exclaims, showering his neck and collarbone with open-mouth kisses. The scattered love bites that he patiently and tenderly marks on his skin feel especially delightful. “You are such a brat.” 

Ash snickers, guiding their faces closer again. “Don’t know ‘bout that. I’m feelin’ _pretty_ spoiled right now. Say, how’s this plan of yours gonna change me for the better, sweetie? Bet you didn’t think about that.” 

Eiji combusts at the pet name. He acts smug, attempting to make up for the dark hue decorating his cheeks. “That is fine. I am very good at improvising.” The image of a flying boy vaulting over a wall resurfaces in Ash’s mind. 

“Hell yeah you are.” Ash reaches for his love’s hand and presses a long kiss against his wrist. The heartbeat trapped within feels like a small hummingbird, racing to break free. 

Eiji goes back to attacking his neck and teasing his wisps of blond hair, trying and failing to hide his situation downstairs. 

Ash chuckles at his tactics. He slips a leg between Eiji’s, wiggling his eyebrows. “And where’d this one come from?”

Eiji pouts, not quite meeting his eye.

_So cute._ “Come on, humour me. What you hidin’ there, hon?”

Eiji looks straight at him, albeit a little nervously. He mumbles, “Right back at you.”

“Touché.” Ash winks and then, gingerly pushes Eiji’s back against the sheets. He can hear the flutter of the boy’s heart by merely hovering over him. He looks fixedly into those starry eyes and holds a dazed Eiji by the chin. Ash targets his bottom lip, supporting the back of his head with his lower arm. The rabbit’s taste melts dangerously in the lynx’s mouth, as the former slips his tongue in for the first time. 

“You know, I _could_ speed things up, if you’re feeling impatient.”

“Oh, I am okay. I like this speed… and you.” 

“Mm, you’re sweet.” Ash sucks at his tongue languidly, forcing a startled mewl out of him. “Good enough to eat.” 

Eiji brushes against Ash’s erection again, after a long time. He pushes his hips clumsily upwards—his hands barely keeping Ash’s own hips in place. He is slow and a tad clumsy, but firm and intentional. By the third thrust, he coaxes a moan out of Ash, catching his full attention. 

Ash breaks their kiss. “Hold on.” 

“Sorry! I did not mean to rush.”

“You aren’t, trust me. This has been perfect, Eiji. It’s just- I can take care of that myself; I don’t need you to—” 

Eiji shakes his head. “Darling, it is okay. I _want_ to.” He swipes at his mouth again, hoping to prove his point and Ash visibly relaxes. 

It takes a half an hour’s worth of lazy tongue twisters and the safest touches imaginable for the blond to respond. He inhales and then exhales. “… All right. Just so we are clear, I’m not penetrating you. We should change to something more comfortable, though. I don’t want to cut you with a zipper or something.” _And I’d love nothing more than to keep you as far away from an STD as humanly possible._

“Hmm,” Eiji says, making him flinch. “I think you are only worried about your delicate skin.” 

Ash sighs dramatically at that. “Yeah, yeah, guilty as charged. Now take off your pants, tough guy.”

“Whatever you say, _boss_ ,” he quips, with a shit-eating grin.

The jolt that travels down Ash’s shaft is almost as criminal as the boy beneath him. “… I swear you’ll be the end of me.” 

Ash would’ve dissociated from the moment by now. Just let the other person have their way—let them sate themselves off another pile of flesh and bones and move on. It doesn’t feel completely right, forgetting to think. 

Then again, this is Eiji. The boy won’t stop tickling his sides and wrestling him around the bedroom only to surrender on purpose. Even as Eiji is putting on a full set of pyjamas and Ash settles on boxers only, even as he is laying back on Ash’s bed, he makes a game out of it. 

The laughter dies a bit, when Ash climbs on top of him, but never all together. 

Jade-green eyes stick to Eiji like glue as Ash repositions himself. He interlinks their legs together, straddling Eiji’s thigh, and ever so slowly, rolls himself again it. The pressure of his right leg alone seems to leave Eiji a little choked up. Ash can’t blame him. The waves of pleasure that ripple after every deep, slow grind are breath-taking. But the lynx wants to risk it, wants to dare ask for more.

_If this goes any further…_ “Eiji,” Ash tries to swallow his doubts. “I want—” _It’s okay. Eiji is not here for sex. He’s here for_ you _, and he clearly isn’t interested in running away._

The Japanese boy seems a touch disoriented. Brown eyes flicker down. He prompts softly, as the tension comes to a pause, “Do you want me to…?” He places a hand against Ash’s heart and carefully drags his fingers down. They rest right below the blond’s naval, waiting patiently. He moves the hand back up as soon as Ash shakes his head.

“No, sweetie, I’m not quite ready for that.” The lynx closes his eyes, a frustrated smile on his feverish face. “Not sure if I can suck you off either.”

“We can stop at any time, Ash.” The rabbit glances sweetly at him, letting soft hands run lines down his back and shoulders. “Do you want to watch a… ‘flick’? I think that’s the word. Or maybe _Fūun! Takeshi-jō_! It’s loud and crazy; you might like it. See? Many fun things we could do.”

“Hmm.” He bites his lip, chewing over his next words. “Well, now that I think about it… there _is_ something we could do.”

“Go on, darling. What is it— _ahh_!” Ash grinds into him again, only sharper and faster. “Oh, yes… _ohhh_ … sweetie—”

He presses Eiji harder against the mattress, finding himself more and more delirious from his love’s encouraging words. Eiji clings to his back, fingers digging deliciously into his skin. Ash fastens their chests, their racing hearts together. He uses his arms to pull Eiji impossibly closer. Every impact, every spark of amorous heat leaves him ecstatic. 

Eiji’s throws his head back, sinking further into the pillows. “Ash… A-Ash—!” 

“That’s it, baby… just like that—” 

Ash knows that it’s utterly impossible to push himself any further. His body would never allow it. And yet, how would it feel—without a barrier of clothes between them? Ash whines at the thought of tearing it open. He imagines Eiji laying bare beneath him, sweet and vulnerable. Nothing but pure skin on skin as they pound against each other—as they submit to a young love’s feral rage and lose themselves in the heat. 

“F-Fuck, Eiji.” Ash feels increasingly lightheaded. He fumbles for the rim of Eiji’s pyjama pants and laughs openly. “Do you have _any_ idea… what you do to me?” 

His hips jolt up in response. “Look who’s… _ahh_ … talking,” Broken, silvery cries escape the boy as Ash hits an exquisitely sensitive spot. And if that wasn’t enough, the addition of the American’s nimble fingers brings him ever closer to the edge. “Ash, wait, I’m going to—” 

The blond traps Eiji’s moans in his mouth, hiding them from the rest of the world. Every sound that comes out of his beloved’s lips is a precious treasure and Ash swears to impose the fear of God into anyone who dares to take a listen. He pushes his face into Eiji’s burning neck, tugging at his feathery black hair. _I want to show him,_ Ash thinks, _just how much he means to me._

“I love you _… aishiteru—_ ” If you ask Ash, Eiji has always been the braver of the two. Those divine words send electricity down his body and the bedsprings whine as their speed turns more and more erratic. 

Perhaps, one day, his body will allow him to witness Eiji’s every glorious sound. Perhaps, in another life, Ash might be blessed with the sound of his rabbit’s frenzied cries of passion, as he pierces into the windows of his beautiful soul and fucks his irresistible arse with loving, reckless abandon—

“— ** _Aslan_**.”

Ash reaches his climax of his own free will. He does it with the uttermost pleasure; it’s soulfully liberating. He thinks he can’t get any luckier, until his beloved ascends right there with him, and they’re soaring high together, and it’s fucking paradise.

In that moment, Eiji wants nothing more than to photograph the beauty of Ash’s first time. He wants to frame it, preserve it in the most private corner of his memories. The blond boy’s reddened skin, full of love bites, and the sounds of bliss that escape his lips after every gasp for air—Eiji has never seen someone as pure, and kind, and _good_.

“ _Arigatou,_ Ash. With all my soul,” Eiji sighs, his heart still pulsing loudly in his ears. Worry claws at Eiji’s chest, when Ash starts to breathe heavily. “Oh, a-are you okay? Do you need anything? I can leave you alone to recover, if you want me to...”

… _and fuck his irresistible arse with loving, reckless abandon… and hurt him. Breaking him, like_ they _broke me. I’m becoming a spitting image—a monster._

The lynx overtakes Ash's mind, as he bares his fangs at the hare, as he rips and tears at the rabbit’s guts, as he devours his dear friend. Fear bleeds into him and guilt suffocates him. _No… don’t kill him… stop… please stop!_

“Aslan?”

Ash suddenly feels as if he awoke from a crazy dream. Except that Eiji is still here. The boy is grasping softly for air and so red he puts roses to shame. His pyjama shirt sticks slightly to his skin and little streams of sweat roll down his features. He extends a shaky hand out and grazes the side of Ash’s face, peeking into his soul with a fervent, teary gaze. 

“It is okay… these are happy tears,” Eiji says soothingly. 

The sheets are no longer bloodied snow. They are a warm navy blue, a colour they had picked during one of their rare trips to a strip mall. It’d felt like a date—the kind of experience that couples take for granted. He loved it—loves the boy resting patiently on it. 

Ash slumps against Eiji’s chest and cries quietly. He presses an ear to his beloved’s heart, pleading for its beat to outlive his own. His body trembles at the thought of a crueller fate.

The Japanese boy begins to hum, grazing the back of his ear.

“Eiji. My Eiji…” The younger one sniffs, as the other dries his tears away. 

“Darling, can I ask you something?” Eiji prompts, his voice still a bit rough. 

Ash holds the boy tighter, then slowly nods.

“There is a word in Japanese, it is called ‘ma.’ It is a very special one, but I can’t translate it to English.”

He thinks for a moment and shakes his head, still fused to Eiji like a touch starved kitten. “Never heard of it. What does it mean?”

“Let’s see… ‘ma’ is the emptiness between all things. When you clap,” Eiji says, clapping three times, “you hear sounds _and_ you hear nothing. Those moments of nothing are ‘ma.’ They are pauses—very important pauses. Without them, the sound is not as full. And the silence is not as empty.” He rests his hand on top of Ash’s head. “Can you hear it, in my heartbeat? 

Ash takes a deep breath and listens intently. He focusses on the gaps between each pulse and taps his finger to the rhythm of this newly found beat. He lets himself internalise the novel concept. “Yeah. I think so,” Ash whispers. The corner of his mouth quirks up. “I still like the louder parts, though.”

“I like yours too. Your rests and your beats. Every part of you.”

Ash’s heart skips a beat. He looks up, leaning his chin near Eiji’s collarbone and simply lives in the moment.

He thinks of an old record playing and slow dancing at dawn, of movie marathons—beers and blankets and no distance between them. He thinks of lazy afternoons with a sleepy Eiji on his lap as he reads leisurely, a dog they’d undoubtedly spoil rotten snoring at their feet. The thought of mindlessly wasting time for the rest of his days alongside the love of his life leaves him overwhelmed with hope and euphoria.

“Why are you so good to me?” He stares at the enigma that is Eiji Okumura in profound awe, jade-green eyes digging into a hazel-brown abyss for an unearthly answer—an answer that not even a supercomputer could decrypt and decipher. “This was… I could’ve done so much more.”

Eiji suddenly clicks his tongue, ‘ _Silly American_ ’ in his eyes and offers the younger one an amused smile. “I love you very much, Ash Lynx, and I am happy we got to share this. You are wonderful and you deserve the world.”

“I don’t want the world. I want _you_ , but—”

“Forever,” Eiji says without an ounce of hesitation. “You have me forever, Aslan.” He cradles the boy’s cheek with a featherlight touch. “From the beginning to the end, and all that is between.”

Ash pecks his palm and smiles from ear to ear. Then, he presses a lingering, tender kiss against his sweetheart’s forehead. A chuckle escapes the blond, as he peers into those dark, endearing eyes. They stay in comfortable stillness until dark, when the city lights become fireflies against the night.

Then, out of the blue, Ash decides to take a risk just for the hell of it. 

With childlike mischief in his eyes, he squeezes Eiji’s generous cheeks and beams shamelessly. “So, uh… you interested in a second round?” 

Eiji is, to put it mildly, unimpressed. “I think we’ve had enough fun for one day.”

“Hmm, you sure you don’t want another ride?” Ash leans in. “Aw, what’s wrong, Okumura? Chicken?”

His partner’s silence endures. 

Eventually, Ash rolls his eyes. “Okay, fine, you’re right. Better stick to the basics. Nothing crazy—just kissing. And… I promise I’ll take care of the laundry tomorrow— _whoa_!”

Eiji flips them over, bracketing Ash’s face with his hands. He grins, fired up by his reignited competitive spirit. It knocks Ash’s breath right out. “Bring it on, Callenreese.” 

There is neither innocence, nor corruption amidst the kisses that follow and the used-up sheets that cover them. This interval of time and space, this pause from guns and roses, is essential; the two boys simply exist in it. They exist in the beauty of emptiness—in the quiet in-between moments—where they feel truly alive.

***

He lies on the cold ground, the weight of the world holding him down.

“A rabbit and a lynx can’t ever be friends,” Blanca says.

And the boy, battered and breathless, smiles weakly.

**Author's Note:**

> So… I’ve been around this fandom for over 2 years now and I never had the courage to give back to this wonderful community. I thought it was about time I did. 
> 
> The inclusion of 'ma' was inspired by Hayao Miyazaki, having mentioned it during an interview. 
> 
> What else? Uhhhh from the top of my head… thank you to awesomecookies for the constant food (prof Ash is *chef’s kiss*), ADreamingSongbird for the soft asheiji we all love and don’t deserve (your soulmate AU is god-tier), TurnUps for bitchin leather-clad cigarette-smoking asheiji in the 80s, equinoctial for Ash’s Moving Castle (fav film and anime in one? Oof… divine), Heliocat for beautiful fix-it endings with consistent ace-spectrum representation goodness, wbss21 for a heartwrenching take on Ash’s life at 13 (a hidden gem; not for the faint of heart but highly recommend), chaos101 for wonderful ace asheiji takes (sometimes you only need love; simple as that ^^), ginkohs for pale blue (the one that sent me down the BF AU spiral in the first place), and RyeFo for my favourite BF AU/story of all time (I don’t care if I’m a wrinkly old lady by the time of mayfly’s conclusion, I shall wait patiently). 
> 
> There are soooooooooo many more of you lovely souls, but it’d take me years to list every single one and I need sleep. Stay safe and keep writing! 
> 
> Bye!  
> -Yumi


End file.
